I’ve been thinking a lot lately about creating the life that I want to live.
I feel like I’ve allowed my low income over the past few years let me become complacent, because I’ve let myself believe that money is what I need in order to be happy. It’s not like I feel like I want to be able to be wasteful with my money or anything, but I guess that living from pay to pay for so long now has changed my values about money, and since I’ve become more proactive; started my business, found a home that accommodates the life that I want to live and actively looked for like-minded people who are building their businesses in the wellness industry here in Brisbane, I’ve realised how messed up my values about money are, and how much they have and still do affect my everyday life.
The thing about our values is that, even if we aren’t conscious of them, they can affect our attitudes and behaviours, and in turn, our lives. So, for example, if you have the attitude that you are never going to run a marathon/lose weight/be a millionaire/fall in love, chances are that you will behave in ways that will ensure that these things don’t happen. Which is exactly what I was very unconsciously doing. For a long time I had the attitude that I was poor; I could never afford to do anything, which is why I couldn’t go to yoga/meet someone in “real life”/have fun/etc, etc, etc.
And you know what? That’s exactly what happened.
I had weeks where I barely ate because I had run out of money, and mostly I just felt really crap about that part of my life. I mean, building a business is hard work, and most of the time you feel like you have no freakin idea what you’re doing, so when my finances were struggling and I was even more clueless than I currently am (I have learnt A LOT in the last six months) that attitude of “I’m poor” is magnified.
I’m a big believer in the universe and that the energy you receive is the energy that you put out there. It can be easy to forget when things don’t go to plan again and again and again, but I try to remind myself as often as I can about it and it often results in positive stuff.
So, a few months ago when I realised the “moving out” date was looming, I realised that I was becoming stagnant. The environment I was living in wasn’t exactly conducive to a lifestyle of working from home, and as a result, my productivity fluctuated. I wanted to make a change, because my business is important to me, so I sat down and had a think about the sort of place I wanted to live. This is what I came up with:
- A chilled out house where I can be myself
- Housemates that I can get along with easily
- Somewhere where I can set up a desk away from my bedroom
- Preferably close to my yoga studio
- Somewhere that would look pretty enough in my blog/instagram photos and videos
- Ideally, somewhere with a lovely dog
And what did I get?
- A chilled out house where I can be myself
- Two lovely housemates
- An office that is separate from my bedroom
- I live just as close to my yoga studio as my last place
- This house is pretty, kinda old, white walls and plenty of light for all my photo/video needs
- The cutest Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy friend in the backyard!!
S E R I O U S L Y ! ! !
How lucky am I?!! I got exactly what I wanted. The rent is even the exact amount per week that I said I would pay maximum, ideally. What are the chances?
So I moved house over the last week or so, and after feeling stagnant, I now feel light, and motivated. I’m getting shit done, and even though I still get distracted and procrastinate, it doesn’t last as long.
I created a part of my life that I wanted – craved even. It’s almost as if I’d forgotten that was possible, as strange as that sounds.
On Friday, I was out in West End with a friend, and he picked up volume 3 of ‘Spaces’, by Frankie magazine (aka. My FAVOURITE magazine of all time) and when he turned to the first story, there was I blast from the past I hadn’t thought of for ages – someone I knew when I lived in Melbourne. Here she was in this beautiful space that she had made for herself and her little family, and the space just looked like ‘her’. She spoke about how they didn’t buy things new unless they really needed to, they fixed things that were still usable and they didn’t spend crazy amounts of money to fill their collections (particularly a collection of tennis racquets that was an in-joke for her and her partner).
Suddenly I felt a feeling that I can only really describe as “that Frankie feeling”; a feeling where I am inspired to be the unique individual that I am, and to express that by making my house feel like a home with the things that I love, to be creative, make things myself and to give a second life to stuff that is pre-loved. Of course, I had to buy the book – Frankie really do know how to capture that simple, but unique and comforting feeling of home like no one else – the feeling was exactly what had been missing from my life.
The thing is that once upon a time – when I was in a relationship – I envisioned a life, a home, (an “aesthetic”, I guess) and it wasn’t about buying new stuff. My envisioned life was about finding new uses for things I already had, or buying things at markets and op shops and antique stores; about growing my own herbs, vegetables and houseplants, and about trying new hobbies, like brewing kombucha, knitting, sprouting legumes and painting just for the fun of it. Somewhere in between my degree, uni, becoming single and having my whole life in the bedroom of a big house full of (absolutely wonderful) people, I lost that desire. I lost the inspiration to create a home for myself and to stop relying on social media for entertainment. And instead of spending time with hobbies and a little reading, I spent what little money I had leftover on drinking and clothes. It was almost as if there was a piece of myself missing; like I had associated it with my old life and my old relationship, when it had nothing to do with my relationship – it was just a part of me.
So now I am settling in to my new place and I’ve decorated it with all of my stuff. I feel like a have a new start, somewhere where I can work and live without those parts of my life negatively colliding, and a place to cultivate a more rewarding relationship with myself, with hobbies and expressions, yoga, books, great food and a heck of a lot of vinyl. That way my activities are no longer dictated and defined by money, but also, I can express my creative energy and become a happier, passionate, creative, mindful and more present writer and practitioner; I can live the life I deserve.
To me, that’s the dream.
What is the life that you envision? What things do you value about your life? Or do you feel like part of you has lost your way?